Some people meditate, some people do yoga, some people have quiet moments, and I play the piano. Some of the best inspiration I get comes while I am playing music on the piano. I am a very average player, with no special talent, but I do have a love of music. Today the song, "Who Am I?" from Les Miserables ran through my head. And I wondered, "Who am I?"
When I was young I wrote in my journal religiously. As I look through I see all different sides of me. And the older I got, the more defined I became. I used to have such a thirst for knowledge. While most of my peers were reading cliff notes and abbreviated books, I read them all. I didn't want to miss out. I loved learning. I was also very insecure. I remember making a conscious decision in my head that I was not pretty. By doing this, I was able to quit worrying about being cute or getting attention from boys. I still wanted to be pretty and liked attention, but this way, I avoided disappointment. Whatever happened was just a cherry on the top. I looked forward to college and imagined I would meet someone at BYU and get married in the Washington DC temple. Don't ask me why I thought that, I really have no idea other than I really liked Washington DC. Eventually I thought I really knew who I was and what I wanted.
So life didn't turn out exactly as I thought but just as good as I could have hoped for. And there have been lots of re-defining moments along the way. Like when I got married and changed my name. That was kind of hard for me. All of the sudden my identity had been changed. New name and a new role as wife. And later I became a mother, a completely new role. I recently posted about hobbies and figured it was time to regain some or at least develop some talents. It just seems like I am always having to redefine, which is ok.
The other night my neighbors (a teenager and his mother) visited our home. The teenage son was writing an essay on love and needed my husband and I to answer 10 questions about love. Most of them were actually pretty tough. And we were not allowed to scroll through and see the others' answers. There was one question that said, "What is more important in the long run, chemistry or compatibility?"
I answered that chemistry was important in the beginning and compatibility was more important in the long run. Sounds like the answer of a mom now that I am writing about it. I also wrote something like, "compatibility will help you solve problems, but chemistry won't." Later Kirk was answering the same questions. His answer to the same question-chemistry. I thought, "oh, he is just a guy."
Then we proceeded to disagree about the activities of our children. He wants to enroll them in football and I don't. And we both have a lot of good reasons. And so this morning I decided he is probably right, chemistry is important in the long run.
As I pondered my future as a mother, "Am I going to have to give in and be the sports mom who totes her kids all over the valley and we never stay at home as a family for dinner? What kind of mom am I going to have to be as we make these kinds of decisions? What things will I have to change?" I realized that I have been making changes my whole life. And that sometimes it is because I want to change, sometimes, I don't want to change, and sometimes I just change. I am still trying to define myself. Can you imagine an eternal marriage with a person who changes so much? So for today I would like to change my answer to chemistry. Even with all of the changes, redefining moments, compatibility, and non-compatibility, we still have enough chemistry that we want to be together. What more could I ask for?
And a final thought on "Who Am I?" My immediate answer to that is a child of God. And that is the most important thing about all of us. And today as I struggled with ways to help my children I thought of a line of that song that says, "and so my needs are great." My needs are great and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who is looking out for me and my family. We need all the help we can get.
